By Amy Dooley
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April 19, 2023
I was parented with power-over parenting. This is basically an authoritarian form of parenting in which the caregivers seek to be “in control” of their children. Furthermore, I was taught in school with a power-over approach…having little room for saying “no,” expressing emotions other than gratefulness and happiness, self-expression, or non-judgmental advice. I am appreciative of my childhood and the opportunities I had growing up, and I am lucky to have a relationship with all of my parents and I love them all deeply; but there were definitely parenting areas -now as an adult- that I see could have really transformed who I was and transformed the relationships I had with family, friends, boys, bosses. When I became a teacher at the age of 20, I was a power-over teacher. That’s what I thought I had to be in order to look like I had it “all going on.” I tried to control my students by using fear, shame, guilt, or trivial punishments to get them to behave. After all, this was how I was brought up so I knew no other way. At 21, I substituted in an EBD (Emotionally & Behaviorally Disturbed) unit for 6 months. What I learned during that time was that previous teachers and even parents had run out of ways to control these children. So in stepped me, thinking I could do it with my power-over style. However, I quickly realized that all those boys needed to bring out the positive in them was a positive, safe, and loving relationship. And that person became me! Unintentionally, I had shifted from trying to control the boys to simply accepting them. And what followed was cooperation, learning, and trust… much more valuable than control. The following 5 years, I taught in general education and slipped back in to my power-over default (this was way before I knew that I even had a default and before I realized the weaknesses in my ways). At age 26, I made the leap to special education and taught students with autism for the following 6 years. It was during this time that I was reminded how important safety, security, and reliability was for children…especially for children who tended to be less accepted, intended to be “normalized” or “controlled,” and whose behaviors and habits often intimidated or confused their adults. As I became more invested in shedding my old habits, I pursued my Masters in Special Education, my Autism endorsement, and trainings in emotional regulation, specifically Zones of Regulation and Conscious Discipline. I met with other professionals including ABA therapists and behavior therapists to learn more about how to meet my students basic needs. The needs were often needs for safety, security, and reliability. The kids needed to know that, no matter what they threw at me that day (literally or figuratively), that they were still GUARANTEED to be met with genuine compassion, understanding, and healthy boundaries that allowed them to succeed. Upon leaving my teaching job, I realized that teachers like me just can’t do it alone. We can’t rehabilitate these children in a school day though that doesn’t stop us from trying. So where does behavior management and emotional intelligence start? It starts at home. The home is meant to be a place of safety, security, and connection…but I’ve seen too many times that parents are just too overwhelmed to prioritize their parenting. And if they try, they are met with defeat as they lack the resources and accountability that a parent coach can offer. So now, I just want to reach more students. And I can do that by reaching their homes, before or during their school-age years, and help so many parents set their children on a course for success academically, behaviorally, emotionally, and socially while also healing and nurturing the parents themselves.